October 31, 2007
Mood: encouraged, slightly motivated
Yesterday’s meeting with Marianne and Davida just made my issue more of an issue because it’s not only affecting me but my co-workers as well. Knowing this makes me feel selfish and unworthy and like a failure. All these things I know that I don’t want to be but I feel trapped and unable to escape my current situation. The things I want i.e. to do a good job at work and at home are there in y mind but I can’t communicate to my body. My body wants to sit, unfeeling, be left alone from others, not thinking, just being. I enjoy reading It is my escape from my life into a world that is 100 times better than mine. If I’m not reading I’m listening to my iPod or sleeping. I haven’t been able to give 100% at work for a very long time. That alone kills me.
And after yesterday’s meeting it cannot be ignored, which is what I’m best at. I’ve developed the mind set that I don’t care! about anything. But the problem is that I do care, I just can’t bring myself mentally or physically to cooperate enough to strive towards the things that need to be done i.e. cleaning, working cooking etc. and a major one has been sleeping. I’ve corrected that recently. I’ve been exhausted the past few nights and have gone to bed much earlier than normal. A normal bedtime for me has been 1:30 – 2:00 am w/ getting up at 9:00 am, getting to work at 10:30 – 11:00 am when I’m supposed to be there at 8:30 am. That is a huge issue. Since I’ve been going to bed much earlier this week I’ve been able to correct that.
My goals are to care. Stop feeling like I don’t matter. Stop feeling tired, exhausted, unmotivated, and mopey.
I want to matter, want to be worthy and productive at work and home.
I want to be less snappy, tense, and irritable. I want to be happy but I don’t want to fake it, which I’m pretty sure I’m good at faking; until now. I’m an open book now — quite literally too.
I want to be excited to go to work and want to do a good job at what I do – not just do the minimum that is expected from me but to do as I used to, which was above and beyond what is expected. I used to enjoy working at 110% but now I find it a struggle to emit 50%. The same is true for home too.